The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! Photo illustration by Slate. I have a large family. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? I am intimately familiar with trying to replace she doesnt want to talk to me with shes busy, and I learned a long time agolong before I had a grown-up daughter, back when I was the grown-up daughter and my father wouldnt think twice about sending me the sort of link (if hed known how to send a link) you sent your kidthat if you want to have a good relationship with adult children, you should assume competency and never offer advice unless asked for it. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. My dad is in his 60s now and is starting to deal with a lot of the consequences of his age. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I dont think having young kids when hes this old helped his health (my oldest sibling is 10 years older than me and has a 4-year-old, meaning my youngest sister is the same age as her nephew). I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! How should we prepare him? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). 10. Photo illustration by Slate. Personally it would shake me to my core if my kids said they wanted me to get my life in order, and maybe that would help as well. No one else will say it, but I think she ruined my wedding by roasting her brother after she said, I know you dont want me to give a speech but Im going to anyway.Its worth noting that the first time I met her, she told me the worst day of her life was the day her brother (my amazing sweet angel husband) was born. But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. Your baby is HUGE! At the beginning . Intentions arent everything. Help! Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? I can say this honestly and without bias. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. Thats something else most toddlers do), but it doesnt seem alarming to me (see weirdness of 3-year-olds, above). 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? Uh, No Thanks. Please advise. You can still be respectful of your ex as you confront some of her claims about you. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. (Questions may be edited for publication.). They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. I Despise My In-Laws. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. Have a question for Care and Feeding? If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. Even visits to the pediatrician were sad and depressing. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. I think you do have to get back into therapy. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Photo illustration by Slate. Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. I hope one day soon you will feel sure that this is doablethat you are actually doing it alreadyand in the meantime, Im sending you every possible good wish. His reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. Uh, No Thanks. Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. I know I need to go back into therapy, but Im home all the time now with my husband and I dont have the freedom and privacy to talk that this would require. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Hopefully, the kids will learn to ignore their mothers claims about you. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. I know how hard it is to parent with the unknown future stretching ahead of you, and only some of the answers and reassurances you might crave. I cant and wont live their lives for them, but they are my children, and I cant stand idly by while they live in a situation that I truly believe is hazardous to their health and which given his background and her struggles they seem unable to address. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists offices because of it. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. What is a gravel bike? Have a question for Care and Feeding? And thats not easy. All rights reserved. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. ( @carvellwallace) Interview Highlights From Our Callers Al, from. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. Now youve moved from nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. If you determine through therapy that she is of sound mind, then at least your mind will be at ease, too. Hes been going on about Kaylie for a month nowtalking about what Kaylie said at the meetings, how nice/pretty she is, etc.and Im starting to get concerned. I know that sounds trite, but honestly what else can you tell them? Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. But even my wife, who is so adamant, isnt sure about how to address this with her mother. Nicole Cliffe is a freelance writer who pens Slate's parenting advice column, "Care and Feeding," and was the co-founder of the now-defunct site The Toast. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. I can say this honestly and without bias. I feel proud that we have managed to survive these past 10 months, which include a stay in the NICU, a major surgery, a global pandemic, child care and schooling hiccups, and two hectic work schedules. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. Parent-teacher conferences are this week, and Im going to bring all of this up, but I would love some ideas. My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. Put bluntly, shes flat out disrespecting you. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline. You should absolutely talk to your son. I would prefer she choose the state school. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. We have tried to tell her to call one of us in to discipline him, but she does not do so consistently. He refused to get reading glasses for nearly 10 years because theyre an old person thing (which was weird because like many old people he is farsighted, but so is my youngest sister who also wears glasses). When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. Photo illustration by Slate. The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. My younger siblings friends have dads who are in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s. Photos by polkadot and denisik11/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 14-year-old son, "Charlie.". And you didnt do that. She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. Ask our columnists a question here! The hard part is informing them that after this is over, youre done with being their financial and emotional savior. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. It Was Surreal to Accept It. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. January 30, 2021, 7:00 AM. How can I be a supportive figure in her life and not alienate her from a relationship with her biological mom? Whats the alternative? Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. She feels controlled and trapped. Uh, No Thanks. For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. And then, it happened. At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and I was . Yes, I completely understand how upsetting it is to watch your daughter struggle, but she has to learn to figure out how to deal with this on her own, or else youre looking at a lifetime of enabling her, and I know you dont want that. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? Dont do anything. Its anonymous! As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. If you cant manage a phone conversation, I would put your thoughts in a letter. Photo by Getty Images Plus. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. Dear Care and Feeding, The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. You may want to dial that back a bit unless you want to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. In the meantime, when Daisy confides in you about her mothers awfulness, can you bring yourself to say, Im so sorry that happened. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. All rights reserved. Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. Where do we go from here? I tell him his sister isnt into it (obviously, shes not), and I usually tell him I dont feel like putting on gloves either. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. And if she does mean what shes saying, I want to be able to help her. England no longer existed. During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. When will it end? This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. Close the door. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. Dear Care and. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. If she doesnt feel comfortable coming out to you, then its clear that shes not ready for the world to know yet, either. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter is beautiful. But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. Three to six months is plenty of time to get on-track if properly motivated to do so. I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work.
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